Broken hearted.....

Planned to type so many things over here today but when I am facing the screen now... I don't know what to type. Had a freaking busy day cuz some big shot came to visit my unit. Was running everywhere to coordinate everything. Stressed. But its all over. Not too bad after all. Well like the saying goes, "The only easy day was yesterday"....

Spoke to boss yesterday while he was driving me home. He told me its very tough to be a soldier's wife or girlfriend.... he is the 3rd person to tell me this... my ex boss, my boss's boss.... all told me before... and I must agree. Being a soldier's girl is really no easy task.... looking at the kind of working hours we have, the number of overseas trips, the number of OT and stuffs like that... Not many girls can take it.... I think about her, and all the years that we've spent together... it really saddened me that things have to end up this way. I always believe that any couples that can endure and pull through the hardship of a guy's military career, is a couple that will last. Only true love can withstand such terrible times a guy have to go through. Our relationship went through many obstacles. We went through many rough times since the day we got together. 4 years is neither long nor short... but it certainly brings back lots of memories. I did the most foolish thing in my life by breaking her heart and destroying her trust for me. Trust.... once broken, its hard to build again. She gave me another chance and I promised myself never to break her heart again. I cherish her more than anything else. But the scar is still there. She still finds it hard to believe in me.

She blasts at me again on sunday.... over something that I really thought nothing of.... its just chatting with a poly classmate without telling her. As much as I thought its nothing, she sees it as a big issue. A big issue of broken promise. I was stunned by the outbreak as I really did not expect it. I could not believe that she can actually lashes out on me over things like that. As angry and upset as I were, I do not blame her. She has all the rights to be angry. She has all the rights to choose not to trust me. She has all the rights to feel insecure. I am not blaming her.... she is not wrong. But I did not think that I was wrong too. My heart was totally shattered when she say that we should stay away from each other for a while... does that mean a breakup? I really do not know. How do you find solution to a problem where both party feel that no one is in the wrong?

Maybe I really don't understand her enough. From my point of view, a lot of such quarrels can be avoided. If she sees that I am talking to someone and wish to know who is that person, she can always ask, and I'll be more than willing to tell her. But she choose to remain silence and wait for me to tell her. And if its slips my mind or if I forget to tell her. She'll lash out on me. Is this on purpose? I don't know. Quote an example..... you are driving on the expressway and on the expressway you are EXPECTED to travel at high speed. You are travelling at a high speed when from far you saw this car in front of you braking and is slowing down. Would you:
1. Maintain your speed. Cuz its an expressway and you don't give a damn why he slows down.
2. Slow down you vehicle to avoid a collision. Alternatively, change lane,

What would you choose? If you co-relate this to our problem, she choose answer 1. She know that if I slip my mind and forget to tell her things, she'll get angry, we'll quarrel and everyone will be unhappy. But she insist on keeping quiet. Why? Because I am expected to remember to tell her everything so if I forget, then I deserve the unhappiness. But am I only one who will be unhappy? Think about it.
If she choose answer 2, she would prompt me by asking me who am I talking to. I'll tell her. In that way, she gets to know what she wants, I get to say what I gotta say. Everyone is happy. Doesn't this makes more sense?
Why do you choose to remain silent? Why do you insist on seeing your car crash on the car in front? What do you benefit from the crash? Nothing. I don't know if anyone understand the example I'm trying to co-relate with. It just comes into my mind as I type.

I don't know.... we can be enjoying each others company so much and yet time and time again quarrel over such small issue. I say small issue because I see it as something that can be solved. Just a matter of both party putting in more effort. I am wrong cuz I forgot. You are not totally blameless too cuz you fail to ask me. Why always quarrel this? I have so many friends, I speak to so many people, how would I remember to report to you everything and how many more times do we have to quarrel over this?

I've been looking forward to our anniversary, planning everything, buying present and all... now all these might just go to waste.... is it worth it? Is that little stubborness worth all these emotional damage? I really don't know.... like I always tell you.... I love you... now its all up to you.... I would wanna do all my part to make this relationship work... but would you wanna help me too? Its about compromising and loving each other for who he/she is.... its not about making someone into something you want. This is not frankestein..... We all are unique in our own way. We all have our own school of thoughts.... that's what makes each and everyone of us special. Stop asking if I can change to fulfuil your requirement. But ask instead can you accept me for who I am. I need you to tell me things. We need to communicate. As much as I wanna be GOD, I am not one so I can't "see" your thoughts or "hear" your heart. We need to communicate.... are you willing to do this with me? Is this gonna be our last anniversary or izzit the beginning of many more to come? You decide.